What Can I Offer To My Partner In Our Relationship?
And why this perspective is helpful and healthy
A relationship is a give and take, it doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. Yet, if we think about all the articles floating on the internet that discuss what a potential partner can or has to offer, such as “a partner needs to be kind, funny, cool, or xyz,” we forget to include how we can give forms of love, and be loving — and I find that is a pretty insightful and of course important perspective to consider.
Therefore, instead of asking, “What qualities does my partner need to be or have?”, which is of course a totally valid and thoughtful question, we may also benefit from asking, ourselves:
“What qualities can I bring into this person’s life that make them feel calmer, more at ease, and make them feel loved, cherished, valued and appreciated for who they are as a person?”
Through this process, we — first and foremost — get to know ourselves better and that’s always a good thing. After all, we want to provide the best and most self-aware love to our partner that we can possibly give — and if we know ourselves well, we can do so even better because we know how we work, what we like and dislike, and why we behave or feel stressed and how to soothe or regulate ourselves if needed.
To get going, here are some character traits we may want to mindfully explore:
Healthy Curiosity
If we are interested in and engaged with our partner, we are able to truly connect with them on a genuine basis. This means being attentive and asking probing questions, and perhaps researching about their topics of interest yourself to get a foothold in this way.
For instance, if they are really fascinated by languages, we search for polyglots or language websites, such as for example Steve Kaufmann, Luca Lampariello, Richard Simcott, Moses McCormick, or Olly Richard. Some language websites can include Omniglot, Memrise, LingQ, or simply YouTube channels.
In this way, by being sincerely interested in the topics your significant other likes, you not only show curiosity, but also respect, love, and a willingness and joy to connect.
On the contrary, healthy curiosity is patient, offers space and is naturally serene, unlike insecure curiosity or even obsession that demand and expect too much.
Seeing Beauty: The Art of Appreciation
Essentially, what I simply mean by this, is how you can better appreciate and thus love your partner for who and where they are as a person.
We all are imperfect human beings, walking through this life, not knowing what we do and where we want to go next at times.
And what better opportunity than appreciating our partner for who they are by seeing the true, innate beauty and wonder in them that have been ignored or taken for granted?
Let’s say your partner is silly, like, really silly when they feel comfortable and safe with you. Maybe next time they say or do something that expresses that silliness, you appreciate them by saying, “I really love how free-spirited and brave you are by being silly with me, and I want you to know that I adore this trait in you.” And if you like, you could follow this up by hugging them, holding hands, kissing them on the forehead, or cuddling with them when and if the timing is right.
In that way, you show how much you not only appreciate, but accept them and this feels freeing in a special way because it unburdens them from the day-to-day stresses and lets them be childlike. And what’s more, this simple interaction makes space for you to connect and creates intimacy, which makes a relationship complete and alive, because it prevents loneliness from building up in the first place.
Self-compassion
The definition of compassion may be: “Empathetic concern for the suffering or misfortune of others.”
But compassion for ourselves is a little different.
For most people, it’s much easier to be compassionate to others, and even easier to the ones we know well and call friends and family.
Hence, if we are sad and begin to cry, we do not criticize, judge, or berate ourselves for that. Instead, we allow ourselves to feel, accept how we feel, and speak to ourselves with loving-kindness and how we would with a child.
Some phrases may include: “Hey, dear, I’ve got you.” “I will always be there for you, no matter what.” “Even if it feels difficult now, I know we will make it because I believe in you.”
If we deal softly with ourselves while we are sad or suffering, we are able to heal our wounds and take care of our vulnerable inner child. And with more self-compassion, we also notice more and develop true self-awareness which helps in times of stress.
Through self-compassion, we can also offer our partner even more love and compassion — and on the other hand, we are better able to receive the love from our partner and other people as well, because we feel worthy of getting that love now.
“But first, we have to learn to look at ourselves with the eyes of understanding (prajna) and love (maître). Many of us cannot accept ourselves. We are at war with ourselves and want to run away from ourselves. Practicing looking deeply into ourselves and seeing the nature of the joy and pain within us, gradually we are able to accept, love, and take care of ourselves. “Know thyself” is the practice of love.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Thank you for reading and have a calm & enjoyable day or night wherever you are.
This post was inspired by the YouTube video ”What do you look for in a woman?”
References:
https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
https://www.teachervision.com/writing/character-traits-list-examples
